Have you ever had a dream that felt too real to be just a dream? Maybe some dreams are meant to speak to you when you need it the most. I had a dream like that once, and it was after that dream, I decided to move forward.
It was the first night back in our house after my mom passed away. We had spent almost two weeks at my parents house. Just being there for each other, but at some point, you have to go on with your life. I remember crying myself asleep that night, like every night after my mom passed away. I fell into a deep sleep, the deepest sleep I've had. I remember this dream from start to finish, every detail, every word.
I woke up in my dream. The bedroom was so bright, like a white light was shining through the room. I was still laying in bed, and I looked over and saw my mom just staring at me. Sad eyes, full of concern, just staring back at me. I couldn't speak, like my words were muted, I just took in her presence. I took in those beautiful hazel eyes, her brown golden hair, and her beautiful smile lines. I tried to take it all in, because, I had a feeling that I wouldn't get a dream like this again. She then looked towards the window and said: "It looks like it's going to rain" I got up from the bed to look through the window- I could hear her follow behind me. As I looked out the window, the sky became black, and I turned to her in fear. There she was, those eyes, I will never forget those eyes. Full of pain, and full of tears. I asked her what was wrong, and she started saying it was all our fault, we are the reason she is gone. My heart broke into pieces. I was so hurt by those words - because it was the thing I feared the most. I felt in that moment a presence come over me that told me this was not my mom. Are you going to fight it, or are you going to let it take over your life? I guess what I'm trying to get across is: I blamed myself for what had happened to my mom, but I knew there was a point when the blaming had to stop. I started yelling, crying, and telling her she was not my mom (If you can imagine was the hardest thing to do, but I also knew it was not her). I said in Jesus name I command whatever this is, out of my life. She began to disappear like sand, and the room became dark, and the wind was so strong it started sucking everything away with it. I woke up at that moment horrified and scared. I fell out of my bed struggling to turn the light on so I could see. I was shaking, thinking to myself, what in the world just happened? I went into the living room and got my bible and started reading Psalms. I don't know why Psalms, I closed my eyes and asked God to to guide my fingers to the right page. Psalms is one of my favorite chapters. It's full of so much love and encouragement, which were two things I was in desperate need of in that moment. After I calmed down, I decided to pray - something I hadn't done in awhile because I felt like I didn't have enough strength to. Every time I would pray, it was me fighting my self to not ask why this happened, why didn't you stop it, why didn't you heal her. But, in that moment I knew I needed to pray. I needed His guidance and protection. Something you don't receive all on your own. I prayed that God would give me a dream, a dream that I could always hold onto, a dream that showed me the truth, I just wanted the truth. We as christians have this picture in our minds of what we think the truth is. But, I felt as though I had lost it completely, and I needed to gain it back. I decided to go back to bed, Knowing, even if my prayer was not given at that moment, I would still be safe. I fell back into a deep sleep. In this dream, the first thing I see is a bright light, and the clouds opened up to the sun shining. It then pans out into a beautiful green field. I see my mom and dad come out of the trees, running and laughing together. All of the sudden, I am running along side them. I look to my left, and then my right, and I see my whole family there too. Now we are hand in hand dancing in a circle. Laughing, smiling, singing. My heart was finally free from the pain, and all of my worries were gone, complete relief ran through my body. I just wanted to watch my mom in that moment. Like she was in slow motion. She was so happy, just like the person I once knew, the person I remember. She was wearing her church clothes that I remembered from when I was younger. White and black stripped top and her black skirt, bare feet, with that contagious smile on her face. There were monarchs flying in-between us, and up into the blue sky. (My dad, brother, and I see monarchs a lot, I didn't start seeing them till after this dream) I didn't want it to end. I just wanted to keep holding her hand, and watch that smile forever. But His presence, which I could not see, only feel, gave me reassurance. Suddenly, my view went from the ground back up to the sky, and then there was a bright light, and I woke up. My bedroom was full of light, and I remember looking out my window and seeing a beautiful blue sky. I felt peace when I woke up from that dream. Peace I didn't think I would be able to feel for a very long time. My pain was turned into a sweet memory. I was in awe. I realized my whole life I never fully accepted the great things God could, and can do. There are many people who have shared stories like this. To be honest, I was always amazed when I heard them, but there was a part of me deep down that questioned it. All I can say is, I asked with all of my heart for this dream. I had no hesitation or disbelief in my heart, I knocked on His door and He answered. That dream saved my life. I was ready to give up on the person I once knew. I thought, there is no way I can be that person again, I thought I had lost her. My smile, my happiness. I thought, I lost the part of me that made me a better person. I had the first dream for a reason, to show me there is still evil in this world, but will I choose to trust Him still. I think I also needed to face the fact that I was constantly blaming myself for what happened to my mom. I needed to realize it wasn't my fault, and that I needed to let go of the pain, and forgive myself. My second dream showed me the promise we have of eternal life with our loved ones. Will you choose the path of pain and destruction, or will you choose the path of faith and forgiveness? Don't get me wrong here, which path you choose is something you have to choose daily. You don't just choose the "good path" once, and bam - you don't ever have struggles again. What I am saying is, do you want to strive to be the best you can be everyday? And do you want to do that with God by your side? I thank God every time that dream goes through my mind, which is almost everyday. When I am sad that my mom is not here to see Elliott say his first words, walk, laugh, say her name: I think of that dream. When I am lost: I think of that dream. When I fail: I think of that dream. And, when I need to remember the truth: I think of that dream. I will never question His faithfulness because He has brought healing to a broken heart. I wanted to share this dream because it is too powerful not to share. I hope this story brings healing and understanding to the readers who take the time to read it. Thank you for your support. Our trials, our pain. We are not alone in them. Remember that. Much love to you all.
-Lauren
